Thursday, September 15, 2016

Today's Review: The Last House on Cemetery Lane (2015)


Sometimes while flipping through cable channels or browsing Netflix, I'll stumble across something like this that grabs my attention for whatever reason.

The plot sounded interesting enough. A screenwriter named John rents out an old house in the country from some lady so he can get his work done in a quiet environment. There's also a woman who he's told lives on the 3rd floor but she's old and blind so she won't bother him... The setup is there for a halfway decent horror flick.

Unfortunately, nothing particularly interesting happens for the first 40-50mins. He meets a local girl who's as dull as a bag of sand, a record player mysteriously turns on, a door locks on it's own, and that's about it.

Then, about two-thirds of the way in, the film seems like it's going to start moving along a bit. John heads up to the 3rd floor. Maybe the old woman is a ghost. Maybe people are doing satanic rituals in the attic. Maybe there's nothing upstairs at all and this dude's just crazy... 
Nope, it's just an old lady up there, and the two of them talk for about 10 minutes. 

Finally, without spoiling too much, the big twist ending is something that you'd expect from a high-school creative writing class. 

In the end, this movie is more boring than anything else. The story, the style, the characters, none of it works.There are no scares, no real suspense, and it all moves along at a snail's pace. 

I wouldn't recommend this one and I'm going to give it a 1 out of 5.


Have a review suggestion? Leave it in the comments. 

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